French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.![]()
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)