I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
You Might Also Like
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED