This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
You Might Also Like
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Banana is the quietest snack
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat