Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You Might Also Like
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
spot the difference
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women