Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Two types of dogs.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.