[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*