neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I like long walks away from everyone
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Still a very good boi….
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)