The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
an octopus is just a wet spider
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
This kid will have a bright future.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses