you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
me hitting on a model
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.