[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Natural selection at its finest
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.