If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
You Might Also Like
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.