Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat