When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!