When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?