Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.