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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…