Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
hmm conte-me mais
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’