The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Selfie
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Before & after 😅
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom