me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.