A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!