“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*lint rolls you awake*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*