* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
HERE’S MARKY
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.