our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though