Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
#ProTip
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’m not lazy
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.