me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you