I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
decorating my apartment
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
another case of gang violins
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities