[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
You Might Also Like
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My boss called in sick of me
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.