In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house