Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
File under excellent bookstore names.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text