Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cheers Twitter.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out