Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Coffee for people with no kids
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further