The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.