I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
🙂🙃🥹
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.