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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
This could’ve been an email.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.