Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
craving $300 all of a sudden
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed