This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
ouch
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered