This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
✌🏽
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“A little help here, Danny?”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.