This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Not even remotely sorry.
bugs when you lift up a rock
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
OH. COME. ON.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably