My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I have questions??
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.