I have questions??
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.