Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule