I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.