An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes