Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I have never related to anyone more.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler