Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?