Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday