Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.