I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Stonehinge
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea