I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Mouse
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?