8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Someone just threatened to call me later
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.