I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My current situation
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet