Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.