“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
But wait…
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.